A Wall of Photographs & "Cold Tangerines"

         For a while now I have been debating about starting a blog or at least some type of outlet to talk about my experiences here at school and to keep the people in my life updated. It took one more chapter of reading "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist to help me decide that I want to share my heart with anyone who will listen in the hope that they become encouraged or at least feel like they are not alone in this ever changing crazy part of life.
        Shauna Niequist does this beautifully in her book, by sharing her own personal experiences so deeply that you feel as if you are reading about a best friend who understands and sympathizes with your own life. One part in particular hit home for me and made me realize a lot about what I have gone through these past couple of months.
       
           This one chapter talks about Shauna having a hard time with a big change that is about to happen, where she is leaving her church job, and other things that surround that situation will cause a lot of uncertainty for her future. One part that gave me comfort and made me realize something about my life is when Shauna is talking with her close group of friends, complaining, crying, feeling upset, and angry, just very emotional overall about all this change happening in her life; one friend speaks up and says this:


        "You can feel angry, betrayed, whatever. But I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. And I'll never be embarrassed to be your friend."

              This one little piece made me realize that I do this often and especially while I have been going through all this change at college. I fear that my friends, the people who love and support me are going to get sick of listening or being there for me or as this piece says feel embarrassed that I am feeling this way or did so much in the starting weeks of school.


Shauna continues the story by speaking of her "Aha" moment:

                "I felt like I had been ground to dust, and those words started to put me back together. This is a story about a job, a church, a set of decisions and conversations and philosophies, but it is also a story about friendship. During a time when I had nothing to give but venom and tears, when I monopolized conversations and entertained the same conspiracy theories over and over again, this small circle of people were the words and fragrance and presence of God in unmistakable ways. I have never been so clingy and strange, so unmoored and lacking in appropriate small talk, and I am beyond thankful to my friends for sticking around in the worst of it."


This paragraph made me relate on so many levels it is insane, but also it made me realize that my friends and family that love and support me have stuck out this hard time for me without complaints (okay maybe a few) because they know that me being this way is only temporary and know me well enough to know that I am just having a hard time.

           So I decided to blog first about this paragraph, to publicly thank my friends first and for most for always being there for me. Just recently have I come to realize that those close friends in my life may be in a smaller amount but those people who are in my little circle will never leave me or abandon me in my time of need or ever. When I say friends I also mean my family, because I got really lucky with having such an amazing family who have given so many words of advice and notes of encouragement through out all of my changing life. I can not thank my friends enough for being there for me and who continue to do so everyday, I love you all so much and with all my heart; truly.

             In my room there is a wall of photographs with all of my friends and family. It is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed but those pictures have kept me going on some of my bad days because I know all of those faces are standing behind me and will catch me if I fall. More then anything it is a wall of love and support that changes and grows; always filled with the people I am so proud to call my friends.


Not everyone is up on this wall, but some of you who I don't have a picture with are just as amazing and as important :)

   

              The second part of the chapter really was the part that made me feel comforted about the way I have been feeling about all of this change:

                  "It didn't change everything, but it moved me forward just an inch, and that inch might as well have been a marathon, because it made me smile and laugh and it made me feel like myself again, a newer self, but underneath the tears, still the same old me looking back at myself in the mirror. It felt like recovering something I thought I might have been lost forever."

             When I moved here to Richmond I felt so alone, out of place, and not like myself what so ever. I was extremely scared and that fear caused me to stress....a LOT; I became a different person. For me, moving two hours away from home was huge and so foreign because I have never moved in my life. I thought my life at home and the people there would forget about me and the people here would not accept me or love me like my other friends.

            However slowly with advice and support from all the people who love me through texts, facebook, phone calls, two hours skype sessions I slowly began to laugh, smile, and open up to this new temporary home. I started to really feel the support of my friends telling me to go and just be myself, everything would be alright, they would always be here.

           With that support Richmond began to look different and I began to feel like myself again, like Shauna says, it was something I thought would never come out of, especially because I was here. I also give so much credit to the great girls I have met here in Richmond who have accepted me and loved me from the start. I am starting to realize that my life is getting to a point where it is about the quality in your friendships not the quantity.

           Now I am doing better here at VCU, I am trying to realize I am here to do school and focus on that more then most things; naturally the friends and good times will happen. College is challenging me in so many ways, not just educationally, but in my faith and as a person.
          
          My faith is growing stronger being here because some days my prayers and trust in the Lord would be all I had to calm me down. Not always could I rely on my friends, with me calling or texting at all hours of the day and night, but I just needed to sit and be still with the Lord knowing that he has me here for a reason or else he would have sent me home already (even if some days I wish he would). The Lord has shown me through this hard time that I am beyond blessed with the friends and family I have who will never be embarrassed of me (unless I am being my goofy self {:), realizing that I should not be so fearful of change because the awkwardness is only for a season, and that the He is always with me, by my side and in the latest hours of the night; my faith will always carry me through.

         Proverbs 31:25 is written on my wall behind my bed it is another thing that has helped to look at because everyday I need to be reminded that the Lord "clothes me in strength" and with Him it will help me "to laugh without fear of the future."



Thanks Seeester :)